It is an emotion that we try to teach our children not to display, but the reality is that jealousy is part of a range of emotions that we all experience in one way or another.
Jealousy happens when a person feels that a relationship is threatened by someone outside of that relationship. It can also occur in a competitive situation in the workplace, on the sports field or when something is measured, like the outcome of a task or exam paper.
Jealousy can affect those around us negatively and can in extreme cases jeopardise our relationships. When experiencing this emotion it would be wise to take a closer look and understand that it is normally driven by fear of losing out, abandonment, or the fear of not being good enough.
Understand the emotion of jealousy
Jealousy can be a combination of fear and anger, which derives from a position of losing out and someone moving into your spot. The anger can stem from a feeling of injustice and a feeling of being overlooked or not appreciated.
De-construct why you feel jealous in the first place
Try to figure out why you are feeling jealous. Are you maybe reliving a similar situation from the past, even though the current situation is vastly different, or is there an element of insecurity present? Try to be very honest with yourself and determine what it is that you think is threatening about the situation.
How jealousy can affect a relationship
Jealousy is mostly fear driven and when we allow our fears to put us in a position of insecurity we do not think clearly.
Put yourself in the position of an innocent person that has to deal with a jealous line of questioning or baseless accusations and assumptions. When they appear irritated, angry and frustrated it does not necessarily mean that they are guilty. It can also mean that they have reached the end of a tether and that you are driving a wedge into the relationship.
Question yourself in order to make sense of your feelings
Relative questions to ask would be:
• Am I jealous and angry?
• What am I scared or angry about?
• Why do I feel this way?
• Do I not trust my own abilities?
• Have I invested my whole being on this outcome?
• Is this a reality or is this based on a past experience?
These questions should bring some clarity into the cloud of negative emotions that accompany jealousy.
Change any false beliefs that might be fuelling your jealousy
Generalisations, like “I will never get the promotion†or “bad things only happen to meâ€, is a pre-emptive defence to a potential outcome. You might not even be aware that you have developed a negative thinking pattern (and this thinking pattern creates a negative emotional state which could include a feeling of jealousy).
Choose to change your negative thinking to a positive and hopeful way of thinking and you might just replace jealousy with optimism and hope.
Take note of your body’s reaction
You might move into jealousy without realising it. Take note of any teeth clenching, an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach or fist clenching. These might be signs that you are having a negative reaction. Stop and examine what is happening. Ask yourself to be excused if possible and remove yourself from the situation. Once away, ask yourself relative questions to enable yourself to make sense of what is happening. Remember that this might be based on a previous situation in the past or fear and anger may have kicked in - and remember: there are may be another way to react to this.
Fake it till you make it
If you have lost to another person, congratulate them. This process will help you steer yourself away from falling in the trap of jealousy. Even if you are not convinced that this person deserves it, or that you might have been the better person for the position, it’s a given. You have lost and somebody else has won. Do not let this define your whole being. This is only one time that you have lost, and your time will come or an ever better opportunity might be waiting for you.
Communicate your feelings about your jealousy problem together
If you have clarified what is the cause of your jealousy and why you feel this way, it can be a very good thing to have an open an honest conversation with the affected person. Explain your process with the person. Often you will get a lot of reassurance from the other person and it might create special awareness from them.
Avoid passing on blame to the other person. His or her behaviour is not the cause of your feelings--you are responsible for your feelings.
Take full accountability for your reactions. Instead of saying: "You make me feel...", rather say: "I experience it ..."
Bear in mind at all times that feelings of jealousy are about you, not about the other person
This emotion of jealousy is something that only you can control. It is not in your sphere of influence to control what others do, but you can control your own behaviour. Once you realise what you are fixated on, for instance the relationship and your partner’s behaviour, you can try to shift your attention by focusing on something else. Join a sports club or reading group to balance the intensity of your focus and feelings.
Learn from your jealousy
If we live mindfully and from a position of self-awareness, we will recognise and acknowledge our emotions before they get out of hand. Every time you recognise jealousy remember that you are probably operating from a point of fear. Examine the situation and choose to believe that you are good enough and also choose that you have other positive ways to deal with this.
Trust yourself
Trust begins at home, with you. If you learn to trust yourself, you can radiate this trust onto others. The more you display self-belief and trust, the more others will trust you and believe in you. Never compare yourself with others. You are more than an incident or a single occurrence.
Make a list of your strong points. Also make a list of things that you have successfully completed. List the qualities or characteristics that you have used to accomplish these goals. This should bring some clarity and help you not to define yourself as only unsuccessful or a failure.
Staff Training presents Emotional Intelligence Training nationwide, contact us at (021) 839 3021 for more info or drop us an email.